Posted by: S.Hofmeister | October 17, 2010

Bad: God is bad at recruitment

I was mooching around Oxford St yesterday and couldn’t help but notice the old, mental preacher woman on the corner of the street handing out death threats on flyers whilst reciting equally threatening lines of doom and gloom from the bible.

It made me think that, if there was a God, he would be incredibly embarrassed by the people who represent him on earth.

It seems to me that wherever you go, the people who are the most aggressively christian are also absolutely mental in the head. God definitely would have stepped in and had a word if he existed:

“Guys, it’s great that you love me n that. Especially the me from the Old Testament where, frankly, i’m a bit of a sadist but we have to do something about the way you look, talk and act because you’re just coming across as mental and I’m suffering credibility wise.”

For example there’s no way that a god would actively recruit this guy to represent him:

Put simply, he looks like a goon. I know that one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but I think I can quite confidently say that this man, despite the leather jacket, is not cool. He could not convert me from atheism to christianity because to be like him is not appealing. Also ‘Lie 2’ on his board of ‘deadly’ lies is not a lie. Evolution is stated as a fact because it is backed up by a shedload of concrete, scientific evidence. It’s possibly the most beautiful fact of life and to deny its existence is both ignorant and mildly offensive…but I digress.

If there was a god then I would expect Morgan Freeman to be stood on the corner of every street with a bible in hand because everyone knows that Morgan Freeman is cool.

Here’s another example of God’s poor choice of representatives:

The only scenario in which I can imagine recruiting this guy is if I needed someone to help me out with the execution of a particularly tricky rape.

Look at him! Look at his board of threats! Masturbators?!?!? Are we led to believe that this man has never masturbated!?!? That must be ALL he does?!?!?! I also like the fact that he ran out of board to write more ‘sins’ so just ended with ‘General Heathen’. His inclusion of ‘witches’ is just odd as well. Really any need to include witches mate? Pretty niche. If what is written on that board is true (and it takes no more than a modicum of intelligence to know that it isn’t) then over 6 billion people are going to hell. I’m guilty of at least 4 things on that list and I’d be willing to bet that you are too.

God is bad at recruitment…and that’s Hofficial.



  1. Why are the first and last “sins” singular, but all the rest plural? Is there only space in hell for one drunkard and one general heathen? Is it Oliver Read?

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